The Assessment
The Assessment
The
day of the assessment arrived. I set off early – allowing half an hour for a
journey just a few miles up the road. I checked, double checked and checked
again where the assessment was to take place. I sort of knew where it was,
after all my university has a campus there, but this was another part of the
complex – good word for it actually, complex! I arrived, took a wrong turn,
re-routed myself and finally was able to check in with 2 minutes to spare,
totally justifying my need to allow 200% extra time to get there. I was by this
time ready to cry. It’s hard to explain just how fearful I was of being found to
be stupid, the unintelligent fraud. Those who see me professionally, and often
even socially, would think of me as confident, self-assured; the reality is
that I am full of self-doubt, always have been.
The assessor was a delightful young lady, keen to put me at ease. We chatted at length about me, my family, my childhood, my career, with me alternately laughing, crying and apologising for my tears. I had been feeling emotional, but being faced with the actual assessment that multiplied. It’s the talking about me personally, especially the things I find difficult that did it – always does. On one level I was keenly interested in the whole procedure. Assessing children for learning support is what I do day-to-day; this was assessing an adult, so had a new spin to it that fascinated me professionally. Whenever the professional me took centre stage I was able to talk freely, sharing expertise; then the personal would step forward in response to a specific question about me and tears would start to flow. I have this crazy thing where my right leg gets a severe tremor whenever I am under extreme stress – boy was it going that day! It seemed strange taking the proffered tissues and the appreciated drink of water when it is usually me making sure that these things are ready for those I am meeting with; another clear indication that I was on the receiving end this time.
Even though I am writing this just a few days after the event, I am already muddled about the order of assessments. However, I do know that it started with things I love to do – puzzles. There was a series of non-verbal reasoning tasks, knowing how the sequence continues. Loved that. Then I had to copy a design using blocks – another set of puzzles to enjoy. Had the whole assessment process consisted of things like that I would have been in my element, but was told that I had proved that I could do these and needed to face other challenges. The word work was also fun, defining words, explaining connections between them, it’s what I do as an English teacher, it’s fun. As usual, I talked my way through all of these tasks – the verbal and non-verbal alike – sub-vocalising, one of my strategies, especially as there were no visuals to accompany the verbal tasks. I sub-vocalised, asked for repetitions, and talked – always I talk! It somehow fixes things more if I talk them through.
The rest of the challenges are totally jumbled in my mind now, even with my scores in front of me. This is probably because there was a lot more stress involved once I had to face memorising digit strings and working with the written word, whether real words or non-words, real letters or symbols. The digit recall had me in tears before I even started. I know that I struggle to even deliver this element of an assessment, and boy did I struggle on the receiving end. Then there was the ‘reading’ of pictures and digits at speed – I say ‘at speed’ but in reality that is not the case for me; speed just doesn’t come into it when you have to mask off every picture or digit in order to keep the other ones on the page from jumping into your head and mouth! I could successfully read the real and nonsense words, as I have a good knowledge of vocabulary and so many decoding strategies to hand – these do however slow things down, but I’m used to that, it’s what I do. Comprehension was easy with the passage in front of me; I took my time, located the correct part of the passage that I had already read (or rather decoded, if I’m totally honest) then asked for the question to be repeated so that I could formulate my response.
There was of course the severe attack of the giggles when ‘reading’ the passage. I mentioned that I ‘decoded’ the passage. I’m good at that. I have a super understanding of syntax and grammar so can read unfamiliar passages with expression. I can also use syllabification and phonic knowledge to decode the unfamiliar. However, I’m not really taking in meaning. The up-side of this is that I sound fluent; the downside is that I get distracted by phrases for which I have taken in no context. Hence, in the case of the passage read about the history of chocolate, when it came to the phrase ‘chocolate houses’ all I could do was visualise little houses made of chocolate. I giggled, and giggled. In fact I giggled so much the assessor had to stop the clock for 45 seconds while I was giggling. In actuality the ‘chocolate houses’ mentioned were like coffee houses, places where people would go to drink hot chocolate. That distraction kept returning as I competed the reading aloud, and again when I had to answer questions on the passages, and yet again when I had to summarise the passage with it no longer in front of me. I kept stifling my giggles, trying so hard to focus on the actual task. This example is typical of how I go through life. I can easily be distracted, especially if something strikes me as funny, creating an absurd visual in my mind. I’m known for giggling at inappropriate times and just hope that it doesn’t happen in my viva!
Something that strikes me after the event is how desperately hard I tried to get everything right. A good example of this would be the first handwriting task. I had to copy the sentence ‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.’ I know this sentence well and had to write it as many times as I could in the given time. Because it was to be done fast, there were crossings out and the writing was at times totally illegible. At the end of this I explained that I often use this sentence for giving children handwriting practice, as it informs me about the letters that they struggle to form correctly. I not only told the assessor this, but like a school child, I asked if I could show her how neatly I could write it. I then proceeded to painstakingly write the sentence in my best teacher handwriting. It was beautifully neat, in total contrast to what I had written at speed; however it was also a tediously slow task – as it is every time I prepare the children’s handwriting books for them to trace and copy my neat example. The assessor’s reaction to my slowness at this task made me realise how much extra time I have always put in to everything – things that other people can just simply do. It also made me suddenly aware of how desperate I always am to prove myself, to myself and to others.
There were a few different writing tasks: the sentence mentioned above; a sentence more in line with academic writing; typing an academic style sentence at speed; the précis of key points from the chocolate houses passage and a free write. I was allowed time to gather my thoughts for the free write and enjoyed writing about how one of my sons acts as a critical friend to me. I haven’t yet seen the speed of the free write, but expect it to be far better than the other writing tasks – it certainly flowed better than the précis, which I found embarrassingly difficult to write coherently, in full sentences and in any logical order!
The spoonerisms were difficult, but achievable by employing strategies. I did my usual sub-vocalising; I openly talked things through and asked for repetitions. When asked in the pre-assessment form about any strategies I employ to support any difficulties I may have, I had written at length – best part of 200 words on the subject. I think I employed most of them during the assessment. I had given my ‘fidget string’ to the assessor at the start of the assessment, since she hadn’t seen one before and showed an interest. She hadn’t seen one as it’s my own invention of a fidget to help children to focus in class – I always have one in my bag. Instead of using the fidget string, I used the plastic ring from where I had removed the lid from the bottle of water given to me at the start of the assessment process. I slowly destroyed it in much the same way as I regularly destroy paperclips during meetings. I asked for repetitions, a lot. I repeated things to myself, sub-vocalising, to cement the information in my mind. I talked things through. I used my fingers. I made connections. I visualised. I used phonic knowledge and syllabification. I used prior knowledge – after all, I had conducted some elements of the assessments myself on countless children over the years.
Even knowing that I was employing these strategies, I was still relieved to hear the words “You are dyslexic” after the assessments were completed. So relieved, that the tears flowed once more.
I was then faced with my scores. My first response was that of a SENDCO; I looked at the scores as though they belonged to someone else – after all, it’s what I do. I commented on the spikiness of the profile, how some scores were on the 99.8th percentile while others were as low as the 1st. As it was clear that I fully understood such scores, the conversation flowed, until I was reminded that these scores were telling my story. These are scores that indicate not the stupidity I feared but actually very high levels of comprehension and reasoning, verbal and non-verbal; yet at the same time confirmed my concerns for the viva, showing a weakness in working memory and speed of processing. My reading accuracy was fine, top average; my comprehension was better, above the 95th percentile; yet my reading rate was on the 5th percentile, far slower than I had thought, even though I knew that I struggled with reading for my studies. My speed of writing was very slow, on and below the 5th percentile, while my typing speed – which I had considered to be fast – was low average. So in fact it was very fast when compared to my handwriting, although slow for my intellect. This was the pattern that kept repeating itself – high accuracy (or average when it came to spelling) but slow, slow, slow. The discrepancy between my scores is apparently found in less than 0.1% of the population. So yes, I am dyslexic. This has been a lot to take in. In some ways it simply confirms what I knew, certainly as far as having problems with processing and working memory, spelling and reading; in other ways there were surprises, both in terms of my intellect but also regarding the extent of the difficulties with processing speed and working memory. It explains the feeling stupid when I can’t keep up with conversations; it explains the keeping quiet when I disagree but can’t think of how to express my thinking; it explains my successes to date, both academically and professionally. I think differently, and through hard work and creative strategies I have not only achieved all that I’ve challenged myself to do, but I’ve been able to help so many children to believe in themselves and to find strategies to help them to face their challenges. But there’s more!
Had I been found to have dyslexia when I was younger, would I have achieved the same things or would I have limited my horizons? I’ll never know. What I do know is that the same parents who lovingly called me dumbbell and doughnut also believed in me. They told me over and over that I was loved and that I could do anything I set my mind to. They set the example themselves. My father unknowingly has always used strategies: my mother checks his writing for errors; he leaves post-its everywhere with reminders; he always has a pad of lined, yellow paper for writing (Irlens maybe?) and he works hard, creatively, having run his own businesses. Likewise my mother has a super work ethic – Di will do it, is the oft heard phrase. They both believe in solutions, as opposed to problems, a belief which has given me a determination to succeed. When I didn’t get the A level grades I needed, while I was busy getting upset it was my mother who was already phoning the admissions at Middlesex Polytechnic about the B.Ed honours degree that started me on the path to become a teacher – definitely the right route for me. That attitude was surely the foundation of my resilience, for resilience I do have in immense quantities. That attitude would have been there with or without the label of dyslexia. It is surely the attitude, the resilience that makes for success when stumbling blocks exist. Everyone faces difficulties in life, it is what we do about them that matters. So I thank my supervisor for persuading me to have the assessment; I thank the assessor for her gentle approach and patience; I thank all those who have supported me over the years, but most of all I thank my parents for giving me the values and resilience, mixed with love and a belief in me that have enabled me to face this upcoming viva!
